On the first gay of Christmas

Every year, Daniel and I have the same tired old argument – you know the one – about who invented Xmas. As fas as Dan's concerned, "It's Jesus's birthday" and, like a good little Christian boy, he wastes an inordinate amount of the holiday toing anf froing between home and church. Of course, danial loves Xmas, whereas I think it's a load of cock (I wish).

All that work stuffing a big turkey? Forget it! I'd rather get stuffed with chicken any time. Thinking about it, though, whatever the origins of Xmas, it could only have been invented by a gay man. Just take a look at the evidence: all those fairies, fairy lights, oodles of tinsel, fruit cakes, large knobbly nuts, The Sound of Music, holly (all those pricks!) ...

Back home, the festive family warfare's started early. Dad's been in a foul mood for months, conjuring up ever-more preposterous reasons why "both my sons are raving poufs!" His latest theory is, wait for it, Xmas! He blames Mum for buying me that rather chic tea service I'd pestered them for when I was a kid instead of forcing Action Man on me. He wasn't amused when I told hime I'd played with plenty of action men since.

Mum's ignoring him, as usual, too busy with "more important things" like celebrating her sucessful Celebrity Big Brother "Vote Mark Owen" campaign – "He's so cute, dear."

And Gran's highlight of the whole ghastly proceedings will be when we join her and Auntie Beeb for their traditional dose od EastEnders festive cheer. This years 'Enders promises a rel cracker of a storyline involving Jack Ryder (Jaime) – a real cracker!

Oh, one final point. Those of you who were attentive enough to note that I promised a piece of time travel – and have also noted that it's not here – well, it has appeared, but in the future. See you in March.